Forget Regret... Or life is yours to miss.

"Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken.
Even if the eyes are closing,
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say."

Everything has been really awesome. I've been feeling very happy lately, and a lot of things are really becoming a lot clearer to me. I know what I want for my future, but I'm taking it one step at a time. My dancing is getting much better and I'm understanding things more and paying attention to everything a lot more. I feel like I've grown so much within the past couple of months, despite what I had to go through to get to this point. Life is no longer stagnant. Of course, I wish I could change some things... but I'm going to take whatever life is giving me for now because I am not going to worry myself crazy anymore. Whatever my future holds, I will embrace it as it comes to me. I am no longer angry with people who have hurt me, I am no longer wishing I was prettier or had a nicer body... I don't care if I don't have big boobs, and I'm going to cherish everyone that comes into my life from now on. Not that I didn't prior to that, but everyone comes into my life for a reason. Whether it's to teach me a lesson or to build something greater in my life.

All I want is freedom, a world with no more night...

Quando sono solo
Sogno allorizzonte
E mancan le parole
Si lo so che non c? luce
In una stanza
Quando manca il sole
Se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
Mostra a tutti il mio cuore
Che hai acceso
Chiudi dentro me
La luce che
Hai incontrato per strada

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Its time to say goodbye.

Soooo, I really love the new school I'm going to and I really like the people in it. I have yet to come across someone who is snooty or down right rude. Everyone... and I mean everyone.. teachers and staff included... are all the nicest people ever... I love how small the place is, and I love that I can learn about things that are kind of considered "taboo" in todays society. It's a beautiful world and I feel good in it, so much positive energy!!! What I also like is that everyone there is there own person.. I don't feel like anyone's trying to fit into a click, they are who they are... it's so refreshing. I wish they had schools like this every where so everyone could experience it.

My classes are:

Myology
Swedish Tech 1
Yoga/Qi Gong/Tai Chi
Fundamentals of Holistic and Public Health
Anatomy and Physiology

"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet."




I have to let go... I HAVE to let go. But it's just so goddamn hard...

If I fell in love with you,
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand.

Cause I've been in love before
And I've found that love was more,
Than just holding hands.

If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start
That you would love me more than her.

If I trust in you,
Oh please, don't run and hide.
If I love you too,
Oh please, don't hurt my pride like her,

Cause I couldn't stand the pain.
And I, would be sad if our new love was in vain,
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you.

If I fell in love with you.






~I truly simply cannot say how much this song is so relevant in my life right now. I'm still relatively heart broken from my last relationship, but my heart is at ease with the man who's been there for me through it all, and this is such a different feeling, I don't know what it is... but it's something really... beautiful. I feel like something is awakening in me that's been hidden for a long time. I hope that what I'm feeling isn't in vain and that maybe I don't have to run away anymore... ~

If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright

And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality
How can any man be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind

If you feel safer
Keeping to yourself
Placing trust in no one
I won't cry
If it calms your conscience
Making me the guilty one
Take my reputation
Ain't worth much
And it's alright

Won't make me sorry 'cause I'm cruel
Won't hurt the feelings I don't have
Won't break the heart that isn't there you'll find
But if you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind

Totally feeling much better. I swear, I've been so moody. I wonder if it's the pills... haha. Had a Lord of the Rings marathon last night with Amanda, Peter, and Mat. That was actually pretty damn fun. We started the movies at 4:30 p.m., I ordered pizza, and it ended at... 4:30 a.m. Got ice cream in between. Yummeh. =) All I need is a little bit more sunlight... like beach time and I think I'll be just a bit happier.

At least in two weeks I'll be 21. Not to mention just in time for the renaissance faire... you can bet your tushies I'm buying alcohol there. XD I've been good though, haven't drank a sip of alcohol since May at my friends wedding... which was epic. XD

And here I go again, speaking too soon. haha...

Off balance again. Sometimes I wonder why he is the way he is. What is with guys and their substance abuse issues? Can't people have fun without being drunk all the time? I mean, if he's happy, I'm happy. If he wants to fuck around with other girls at my friends boyfriends parties, so be it. But why the hell does he need to claim all of his friggin "wifeys" all over his facebook? To be honest, it's friggin annoying and sometimes I wonder if he's just doing it to get back at me for breaking it off. He'll never understand that I did it for the good of both of us, however, I don't think me even doing anything is going to open up his eyes. Obviously, I wasn't anywhere as important as he claimed. The more time goes on, the more I feel like that whatever it was that we had was so completely false. Actions speak louder than words.

I'm not trying to dwell on it. I care about him, very much, but really...




Off the topic, onto bigger and better news.

Finally signed up for classes at New York College today. I got my schedule and I am so damn excited. Now, to land my ass a good paying job. Anybody need a belly dancer? =D
I'm looking forward to the renaissance faire and my birthday. I turn 21. w00t!

I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I feel wiser... And although I don't feel beautiful... I don't feel ugly. I'm at a very... I believe balanced point in my life. I just need a job and I'll be set.

I went to New York College, the open house, on Thursday... and I must say... I think I'm in love with the place. I'll be taking the Massage Therapy and Oriental Medicine/Acupuncture program. I even plan on getting my Yoga License there. I believe I have found my calling.

Professional Belly dancer
Massage Therapist
Yoga Instructor
Acupuncturist

Man... I knew I was going to have a lot of weird jobs in my life time... it all started with that Puppet theater... lol

I'm all super smiley. ^.^

Today is a joyous day.

For what reason?

Just because.


=)

"Time is gonna take my mind,
and carry is far away where I can fly.
The depth of life will dim the temptation to live for you.
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears,
'Cause it's all about love and I know better,
How life is a waving feather.

So I put my arms around you, around you...
And I know that I'll be leaving soon.

My eyes are on you, they're on you.
And you can see that I can't stop shaking.
No, I wont step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes.
'Cause what I feel is so sweet an I'm scared that even my own breath...
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble,
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle..."
~Dancing sung by Elisa



Still the same old feeling...why wont it go away...

So, finally I'm going on BC. I've been suffering from bad .'s since I was a kid, and I figured maybe it was time to go on it. Hopefully it will shorten it too, I was never happy with how long I have it. I just wanted to know, has anybody here taken it? I think it would really help me if some of you shared your experiences with what I'm about to do. Thanks lovies!

Holy butt munchin barnacles am I sore or what? This week has been pretty awesome. Lots of belly dancing and lots of Yoga. Two yoga classes plus a belly dance class yesterday. I am so sore... Anyway, my belly dance teacher is finally teaching me Romani Gypsy dance, I'm really excited. I have a tambourine and everything! I've been chilling with my friend Amanda a lot. Her and I were pretty close in 9th grade but then she moved to Texas. She came back home a few years ago, but we didn't really reconnect or anything, and now it's really nice to have someone to be close to again. I enjoy having that sense of companionship, whether it's romantic or not. Just gotta find the right people I guess. I'm walking the path I've been looking for, and I'm getting to where I want to go... slowly but surely.


"I was born amidst the purple waterfalls.
I was weak, yet not unblessed.
Dead to the world. Alive for the journey.
One night I dreamt a white rose withering,
a newborn drowning a lifetime loneliness.
I dreamt all my future. Relived my past.
I witnessed the beauty of the beast"

Huge bug bite on my leg. True story.

Anyway, today was fun filled. I went on a photo shoot with some girls from college. We did a Gothic Alice in Wonderland photo shoot. They made me the Queen of Hearts. We headed out to Sans Point and though it was rainy, it was a relatively beautiful place. BIG CASTLES! I love castles. I found a dead Horse shoe crab and was tempted to take it's body home with me, but instead I made it a little shrine. I think I'm insane? Help?

Haha, anyway, my day ended with the last day of Belly dance classes for the next two months. -sniff- My teacher wanted to take off. So I was thinking, since I wont be going to belly dance, maybe going to more Bikram Yoga classes. I tried out one class a few months ago, and though I thought I was going to die at one point from the heat, I thoroughly enjoyed it and felt amazing after I drank about a gallon of water.

I'm coming up with some awesome ideas for my future. I was never really one to think ahead, I usually live in the moment, but for jobs ideas...

Massage Therapy
Professional Belly Dancer
Yoga Instructor


I found another bug bite on my shoulder... DAMNIT


=)

So, I'm back after a very bad first half of a year. I'm not going into detail, but times been rough. Trying to keep my head on straight, but sometimes I tend to lose it. I disappeared, I know, I'm sorry. I can't be around anybody when I feel like I don't have it together. To those of you who have been supportive and by my side through out all of this, thank you. To those of you who have turned your backs on me, thanks for letting me see who you really are. It's actually kind of good for me, seeing as how I know who to weed out of my life. =)

But yeah, thanks to those of you who have commented on my LJ to show some kind of support. I really appreciate it! <3

My dancing is getting better and I'm losing my performance anxiety. I still have it, but at least I'm not fainting on stage. I'm going to be going to New York College soon for Massage Therapy. I am not going to back down anymore.

I miss cosplaying and going to cons. =( It's nice to see everyone is still enjoying themselves by doing that.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Dear friends, once had been friends, or whatever you may be to me...


This is to all the people in my life who I have loved, who have at one point loved me. I just wanted to let you all know that there are some of you who I feel neglected by. I have tried on numerous occasions to get into contact with you but I have not been answered. If you wish to end a friendship, let me know. I'm sorry that I'm not made of money and finding a job around me is harder then Tommy Lee in Pamela Andersons pornos. So, I'm sorry if I can't come out to you, especially since I don't have my license despite my many attempts to obtain one. However, if you don't even want to speak to me MAKE IT KNOWN AND GIVE ME A REASON WHY. Do NOT leave me in the dark. If something is bothering you and you have never expressed it to me then our relationship will fail unless you make it known.



I recently just quit my job at Utopia because I was unhappy with how I was being treated. I didn't like the shit pay I was getting. I want to be in an environment where I am respected and yes, I'm going for my dreams. That means I want to become a massage therapist and a belly dancer. Don't think these things take priority over you, but do know it's not something I'm going to give up. You guys think I don't know the harsh realities of life? I do. I really really do. I work hard to make money, which unfortunately is pissed away because I have things to pay for as well, especially getting crap pay and little hours to work with.


I ALWAYS THINK OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS NOW FUCKING SAY SOMETHING AND GET IT OVER WITH.

Just please do it over IM or phone call... even in person would be nice and even more honorable... thank you.

Name: Victoria
Date: 11/16/2008
Colorgenics Number: 31524706

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

Matters are not progressing as well as you would have hoped and you are having to make concessions - but you still believe that your goals are realistic it's just that people can't seem to see your point of view. You know what you want but you'll only accept suggestions under duress.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

Most of it accurate, 'cept like... the last sentence. I would rather be loved for who I am rather than what I am. o.O;

Yay! A post in shorter then a year! haha... anyway. I've been doing pretty well minus the fact that I'm currently suffering from bronchitis... such a beautiful illness. >=(
I took Danii out for her birthday dinner last night, which I am hoping with every fiber of my being that she enjoyed. I hadn't seen her in so long because I'm always working... ;.; Which totally blows. When I get better though I do plan on going to the city the first day I have off.

I can't wait until i-con minus the fact that I have no idea what to make for it... Maybe I'll wear a belly dancing costume?

Oh yeah, I took up belly dancing in May. It's been almost a year, I'm already an advanced student too. SO EXCITING! I hope I get really really good, I would really love to become a Bellydance Superstar and I'm dying to travel.

I've also been getting seriously into astrology, if anybody else is interested in astrology you should IM me and we can have amazing chit chats about it. =3

( Pictures of the boyfriend and I )


I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! I MISS YOU ALLLLLL!!!